This afternoon I was compelled to jot down a list of things that probably belong in my owner’s manual, if I had one. In no particular order, here’s weird crap and random bits of trivia on how I live.

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I am very sensitive to light (especially fluorescent), sound, and crowds. I have to run away or put on sunglasses or earplugs every day.

The year they made me, people didn’t come with filters.

Wonderful things can come from the most unlikely places, and usually appear when you’re not looking for them. (But it has to be genuine not-looking or the universe will know.)

I’m allergic to laugh-tracks and children who make sounds. Really, I’m allergic to children who cannot yet have a semi-coherent conversation. Don’t expect me to look at your new lump of dough and get all excited. And for the love of all creation, don’t try to make me hold it.

I stopped carrying grudges because they were getting too heavy.

The only thing you can control is your reaction to a thing. (Though the first 90 seconds to a stimulus belong to your biochemistry, the rest is choice.)

I’m terrible with names. Even if yours is the same as mine.

I can laugh at the same bad joke for years (and frequently have the sense of humor of a 12-year-old boy).

Unzip before you commit. You wouldn’t buy a car without a test drive, why on earth would you marry a person you’ve never fucked?

I can never stretch enough; especially my neck.

Life is too damn short to spend any significant time doing something that you dislike. Dealing with bureaucracy and authority types is best avoided; engaging in such encounters should be rewarded and celebrated.

I can speak with great authority on topics about which I know very little.

There is no permanent record. Proceed accordingly.

I drink a couple gallons of water a day. More in the winter. I love ice.

There is no normal. Find the flavor of crazy that works best for you and hang out with the people around there. (No matter what, you are never alone. Find your tribe/community/whatever and you will find people who understand and who’ve probably been through something similar. When you reach out, it gives people the chance to reach back toward you.)

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I’m pretty sure we’re allowed to change our minds multiple times. Why else would life be so long?

Assume I have good intentions. If I ever want to do anything mean to you, you’ll be awake, you’ll be facing me, and you’ll know why we’re there. (adapted from Firefly)

I love cats, but I don’t need to talk about them for hours.

People vary. Better to remember and embrace this than to assume everyone operates under the same beliefs and conditions.

I used to help run a nightclub. It made me hate nightclubs.

Don’t be a dick. (Apparently this has become known as Wheaton’s Law). (But seriously, who would have guessed that when Wil became an adult, he’d be totally hot?) (Also, I once saw him box Barney the Dinosaur.)

If I’ve had more than a couple drinks, I’m unpredictable. Oh, wait, actually I can be unpredictable any time, depending on the circumstances.

I adore things that glow in the dark after exposure to light; especially things that glow any color other than the standard green.

I once owned a glow in the dark motorcycle.

We currently have four animal skulls in our house (plus two more being used by their owners). One is in a taxidermied mouse dressed as the Pope.

I’ll work harder for less pay for a friend than less work for more pay for an asshole. (Unless the asshole’s project is really cool, brief, and pays extraordinarily well.)

I love vintage Vespa scooters and have been riding them since 1986.

Do not buy a vintage scooter as an investment or as a daily means of transportation unless you are prepared to throw a lot of money into a fire.

I have actual, quantifiable brain damage.

Words are important. They can also be elusive.

When you travel, your body may go by air, but your soul goes by ground and may stop if it sees something interesting. When traveling, allow a couple extra days for your soul to catch up.

I keep copious backups and duplicates of things I think are important, but have no overall system for organizing them.

Donnie Darko, Lucky Number Slevin, and Fight Club are my comfort films. If I want a good cry, I watch Moulin Rouge again. I own most of the DVDs of shows by Joss Whedon and Kevin Smith. I cried after re-watching the last episode when David Tennant played Doctor Who because I dislike that new guy and his sidekick so very much.

Listen to your gut (intuition, instinct, whatever).

Sweeping generalizations ruin everything for everyone.

Don’t say “it can’t get any worse.” I did once and was immediately proven wrong. Instead, try “it can always get worse, until you’re dead, and then who knows?” (what the latter lacks in brevity, it makes up for in accuracy)

It’s not you, it’s me.

Exactly who are “they” and how do they know so much? Also, they are often wrong.

I value consistency more than quality, so if something consistently sucks, I know not to do it.

Sleep is my primary superpower. I once fell asleep standing up.

Walking the line between brave and foolish can be fun.

The worst experiences make the best stories, if you survive to tell them.

Do you like something? Does that thing hurt anyone else? If the answers are “yes” and “no”, respectively, just do it.

Exceptions and caveats exist for everything.

American cheese has its place in the world: grilled cheese sandwiches and cheeseburgers.

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OK, there’s my not-so-short list of random bits. Only slightly proofread, so if I catch typos later, I’ll probably be back to fix them.
How about you? Any truths you hold to be self-evident that you care to share?